ASK ALLY! "THE GURU WHOSE GARDEN IS FRUITY ALL SEASON!"
(Stop press - Shamed guru forced to make celebrity apology! )
A brand new advice column from the worlds cheekiest gardening guru - Ally Pincharse! Ally is here to help you with your garden and to live life the Ally P way, answering queries from his celebrity friends and ordinary folk (Yes! Just like you!). Send your questions to askally@sawitfirst.co.uk
Here’s a selection from Allys bulging mailbag and we get straight into things with emergency requests from some of our favourite friends:
DILEMMA - AMANDA & DES (FEATURING NELLY - aka NEIL)
Ally oh Ally,
Amanda seems to have taken your advice to heart, I haven't seen her once since I emerged (did I win?) from the Big Brother house last week.
There are all sorts of noises coming from behind our (locked) bedroom door, and whenever I think I've established some sort of contact she wants me to say my prayers or something. It's always 'Kneel, oh kneel, kneel....' followed by all sorts of strange sounds.
Seems she's wanting a bit of space at present (wait till Family Fortunes is rerun on UK Gold (again) and the royalty cheques start reappearing, we'll see who's kneeling then eh?), so I thought the Big Brother garden might be worth checking out again.
Melinda and I both lost our mobile phones out there one night (Goldie said something about helping us look for them, I think he said they were a lovely pair of Nokias or something, but then he was voted out), and anyway, I need to kip somewhere.
Do you think they could do long term damage to the undergrowth out there, or do you think I might be worrying unduly?
Anyway, if I don't find them, there's other strings on the bow. With gardens very much in mind, I've applied for the Alan Titchmarsh vacancy on Gardener's World.
My first interview went well, I could hear the casting director muttering something about 'sad old has been/never was' which whilst a bit hard on Alan, made me realise how much they need an injection of my quick witted, caustic, cutting edge banter and presentation skills, so I expect to hear a date for my second interview pronto.
Problem Ally, I know nothing about gardening. Can you lead me to a quick, catch all gardening course so I can separate my topsoils from my mulch?
You seem a confident yet sensitive man, and for the moment I place myself in your hands. Don't ring me at home please cos as I say, couple of issues there, so get me on the mobile. Oh, hang on, erm....you'll have to e mail me at deslennis@oursurveysaid.co.uk, and I'll print it off down at the library.
Yours with some urgency.
Des Lennis (Mr)
Dear Des,
Let's take a cool look at the situation shall we?
Your wife:
a) Gorgeous and fragrant
b) Young
c) Got previous with a man who behaves badly
d) Star of a prime-time, award winning TV show
You:
a) Small and not too particular about your trouser gas
b) Old enough to be her Dad
c) Couldn't even cop off with Anne Diamond (you were barking at the wrong bush with Mel, mate!)
d) In panto
So to get you into the swing for your festive performance:
Ally: "Your missus behaved badly while you were away"
Des: "Oh no she didn't"
All together now: "Oh yes she did!"
See you on community digital channel 9780(c) - a variation of, "In the Manure with Des" might be a nice idea for your gardening programme!
Ally
AMANDAS HOLDIN' THE FORT!
Dear Ally,
What with Les being holed up in the Celeb BB house and me an attractive, temporarily single young girl holding the fort here on my own, you'll appreciate I'm feeling a little lonely.
Any thoughts Guru?
Amanda H
Well love, I could probably tear myself away from the potting shed in the line of duty if it's advice on pricking out you're after (although with Les gone it looks like you've already suceeded there!). Failing that why not get yourself some videos and settle down for a good session with that Neil Morrisey? I'm sure a rerun of Men Behaving Badly will soon take your mind off little Les (or should that be Less?).
Glad to be of service!
The Guru
SAVING RYANS PRIVET!
Dear Ally
As you will appreciate when you're as famous as me you need a really big hedge. It's not just about keeping the adoring fans at bay, it's about the dressing room pecking order. Phil Neville has got a brilliant hawthorn, Laurent Blancs yew is a bit scruffy but it's massive and, although he made a few mistakes handling it, Fabiens beech is really impressive but my prize privet has always kept me top of the pile.
Until now!
The problem is every time Keano walks past with his dog it has a leak on my privet. Not a problem normally but these days big Roy is round and round the block like a Scalextric and the privet is starting to droop badly.
Save me Ally - I couldn't bear to have Phil lording it over me. He's not a pretty sight at the best of times but when he smiles it can put you right off the prawn sarnies.
Ryan G
Hi Ry!
Tricky for a tricky winger but easy for the master.
Deck him!
That’s right! Deck him!
Next time big Roy does a circuit just point across the road and shout "There's Niall and Jason!". Then, when his back is turned, leather him with a piece of quality, tanalised Swedish Softwood decking.
When he wakes up tell him it was Mick. Trust me - you won't see him for dust!
Sorted!
Ally P
KYLIES BETTER HALF!
The top of my garden is a real triumph but everybody seems to focus on my bottom. Admittedly I’ve got some lovely soft fruit down there but I’d love it if folk could appreciate everything on show. Any thoughts?
Kylie
Morning Princess,
This the sort of problem I could really get my teeth into. Sometimes even my advice column isn’t enough and I need to get my hands dirty! Yes - a little personal consultation with AP is just whats needed. So ring my toll free number and I’ll pop right on down and put the colour back into your top half!
Ally P
WIDOW DROPS ACID!
I’m a widow but I’ve not let that stop me blazing a trail in local gardening circles. I’m quite a big cheese in Banbury Bloomers, our local Horticultural Society. Normally one of us can answer anybodys technical queries but we’re really stumped on this one. You see we’ve got very acid soil round here and even after extensive ph testing we can’t seem to find the right level of crushed lime additive. I’m sure a pro like you can point us in the right direction, can’t you?
Ethel Wainwright, Banbury
Dear Twanky,
I’m glad to hear that now you’re only cooking for one you’re making good use of all that time on your hands. What’s all that ph business though?
Anyway the team and I have really put our heads together on this one and come up with just the answer we think you’re looking for.
Decking!
That’s right! Decking!
A few acres of prime preservative treated Swedish softwood and who cares about your weird soil?
And better still it’s maintenance free – more time to find a new husband!
Al
COOGANS RUN!
After our pop career died we set up a gardening collective. The first year was OK but the ground here is really stony.
Can you dig it?
The Mock Turtles
Hello Boys,
You're not so thick skinned after all, are you? Ha, ha, ha! After all you should know all about one hit wonders shouldn’t you guys? You want something that’s happy on hard ground and doesn’t mind failing most seasons? Why not see if Iain Duncan Smith needs some land for a new office?
AP
GRAFTING IN THE GARDEN!
My brother and I are exceptionally keen horticulturalists and rarely need advice but we can’t seem to succesfully graft a Fineasfogus with a Julus Vernus as suggested in your book - "Pink Cheeks & Red Faces: Colour in the Garden with Ally Pincharse".
Please could you take us through the process again?
Norris & Albert Thackeray, Little Hampton
Well Nozza & Albie
Blimey! You’re a bit keen aren’t you? To be honest I didn’t have a great deal of input into what you might call the, ‘fine technical detail’ of my excellent book – I was more in the nature of a figurehead so to speak, although I have got several signed copies left at fifty pounds a throw if anybodys interested!
Anyway the team and I have really put our heads together on this one and think we’ve come up with just the solution you’re looking for.
Decking!
That’s right! Decking!
A few acres of prime presevative treated Swedish softwood and you can sit around drinking as much homebrew as you want instead of messing about with all that grafting nonsense.
Bottoms up!
Ally Pincharse
ROLLING STONE GATHERS NO GRASS!
I can’t seem to find my garden man. I know it’s round here somewhere but everything’s kind of hazy man. Any trips?
Keith Richards
Dearest, dearest Keith,
It's tips Keith, tips. But is it really such a problem? Just keep looking for the grass and either way you’ll be happy. I’m sure you’ll smoke it out eventually.
AP
SOMETHING NASTY IN THE THATCH!
My friends and I down the WI really love your column. You’re so cheeky!
We’ve got a little technical problem and know that you’re just the man for the job. We’ve a lovely Spirographus and we're having terrible trouble with a local pest known as Gooseussilly. We've tried all sorts of remedies; chemical, organic and even something 'herbal' my ex-hippy friend Esmerelda recommended that resulted in a rather embarrassing visit from Constable Villagebobby!
We've even taken to placing repellants deep into our thatch but all we get is a nasty little rash.
Any ideas hero?
Edith Patterson, Bourton-by-the-Water
Well Edith,
I must say that little pest sounds right up my street but as you're determined to be rid of him the team and I have really put our heads together on this little poser and we think we’ve come up with something a bit special.
Decking!
Yes! Decking!
A few acres of prime preservative treated Swedish softwood will see off those little terrors from your thatch. And better still - it’s ideal for your next jumble sale (I’m busy before you ask)!
The Guru
BECK'S BOTTOM!
We've just had a little baby boy to add to our growing brood and desperately need a name but we don't know enough words! We thought about naming him in the same way as last time but the trouble is we think we, you know, "did it" in Peckham and we don't think that would be too clever! We know you know lots of long words so maybe you could help?
Dave & Vicky
Well Hello!
Always pleased to be of assistance to my celebrity chums, on or off the plot. How about following the lead set by Mrs Pincharse and I, and naming the little fella after a Shakespearean character? He can pop round and play with our little Bottom whenever he likes!
I've a funny feeling you're in for a winter of content, made glorious by this son of yours!
Ally
PS David - Lovely to see you on telly again celebrating the new arrival but do remember, "Happiness is a cigar called Hamlet" isn't a quotation from Shakespeare
NO SUN FOR CHER!
Its been forty years of hard work now but everything’s gone terribly droopy. Any thoughts on how we can refresh my little patch? There’s nothing sunny in my life any more.
Cher
Dear Cher,
I got you babe - usually when everything goes south we find the increased sunshine helps but you’re a bit too far gone aren’t you love? Some serious cosmetic surgery is whats needed, front and back, followed by a damm good mulching and a quality top dressing. A spot of work on your water feature wouldn’t go amiss either would it pet?
AP
WINDSOR SPILLS HIS SEED!
What a to-do! You wouldn’t believe what my husbands done! He’s only gone and mixed a coarse, hard-wearing Parker-Bowl grass seed with a best Windsor and put our Best Kept Garden (Lawns Division) entry in jeopardy hasn’t he?
Whatever shall we do?
Lucy Rakehard, Plumpton on the Stour
Greetings Luce!
What is wrong with your husband eh? But grass seed is grass seed between friends isn’t it?
Oh, isn’t it?
Well not to worry, the team and I have really put our heads together and come up with a little something that might pleasantly surprise you.
Decking!
That’s right! Decking!
A few acres of prime preservative treated Swedish softwood and nobody will give a monkeys if you mixed up your Windsors with your Parker-Bowls. And better still you can take your Best Kept Back Garden Award home for good!
Sorted!
AP
SLIM SHADEY PLOT!
I’ve a real slim, shadey plot and try as I might I cant get those green and yellow purple thrills. All we get is a real dark downer of a lot, even my mate Stan the gardener can’t do anything with it – and he’s getting real mad so don’t ignore this letter OK? His little brother says Hi too and hope you like the picture.
Eminem
Er Hi,
Look I don’t want any trouble old chap. It’s not really too much mither to marshall all your resources and sample the sunny side of life is it? We don’t want Stan doing anything daft – just get out your chainsaw and cut down the trees and everything in the garden will be rosy.
AP
PS Er, lovely picture – Mrs Pincharse and I always say blood is so good for sunsets isn’t it? No need to write again though, I’ve moved.
Listen Dude,
You can’t just shake me off like that. Why didn’t you call? And what about Stans little brother, why didn’t you send him something? He was up all night in the cold doing that picture! And how can I sample the Sunny Side Of Life when I don’t know who wrote it? You’d best start coming up with some results posh guy – you look real good in all these pictures and the chainsaw is really rocking.
Em
Dear Readers,
That’s all for this week folks!
Ally (somewhere in The Outback)
FEEDBACK! FEEDBACK! FEEDBACK! FEEDBACK! FEEDBACK! FEEDBACK
Ally is currently in hiding in deepest Australia. He’s still in touch (although liable to bolt at the first buzz of a chainsaw) so let’s show the cheeky chap we still love him. Send your questions, comments or help with Allysanswers to askally@sawitfirst.co.uk
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